- Self Therapy -
I was walking in the streets, where is the best fashion show, where emotions on people faces are pure and honest, where nobody is hidden behind curtains, where you feel violence that victim by the corner feels, where broken home is not only broken house, but broken people in it, where every soul is trapped in ghosttown and you hear their calling, where you see graffiti with hate messages, and you're about to defend graffiti as saying that it's art, not vandalism, but you can't beacuse it sends all the wrong messages, streets where you see a drama movie in real version, where everyone blaims the town, the streets, the birds, the dogs, the air we breathe and marks them as problems beacuse of their own problems. You could often hear 'streets made me this way' by a drug addict, or see beaten dog laying on the ground hoping someone will notice, so this all leads me to question, are the streets, houses, places where we were born, raised and grew up, self-portrait of us, now beacame self-therapy for us, or they beacame self-destruction for us? Before we find the world peace, we gotta find peace on these streets, and before we find that one, we need to feel our inner peace, so we could share peace with everyone, beacuse love and peace are both two-way-street, but that does not guarentee meeting in half-way, and if you can't walk on them, first you need to learn how to crawl. However, i was walking in the actual streets, when this familiar NN person stops me like a taxi, and after 5 minutes we were on totally other side of world, by the time she let me answer on her question ''Where are you going, how are you?'' which she herself answered on her questions that i did not asked, with a thousand questions and answers, its like i've been to shopping for 5 minutes and now i've got bags on top of bags, so i started to imagine flying violins and talking piano and singing harp, who were self-portrait of her boring gossips that no one cared about, so as i was given short time to answer i've said: ''I'm going to therapist. Difference between me and healthy person as that healthy person has all the emotional problems and i only have one'', then she started to talk about her problems as usual, and what the fuck am i in this conversation? I like people who can keep the conversation going no matter how random topic is, this one couldn't speak to save her life, so she continues unending talking shit, ignoring all the things i've said, because people don't really listen to what you're saying they are only hearing noise, which is what i'm hearing right now, difference is i'm actually listening, all i've heard was something like ''And my husband was making the beat, those guys were trippin shit, it was ill. We were slaying whole night, my gramma woke up and then she is totally milf bitch categorized, she got drunk and tried to dance on Britney...and then..'' and then i labeled myself as ill person beacuse if i weren't ill by now, i am beacoming just by imagining old lady dancing on Britney Bitch holding a beer, while lip-syncing Oops i did it again. I stopped her before i do it again pt. 2, and my mindset sets-off pt. 1, i'd go totally crazy in this circus, this is what i wanted to avoid, i lied to her, i wasn't really going to therapist, i was my own therapist, all i wanted was walking alone through the streets, 30 minutes of self-therapy. Like, where does self-therapy includes myself? There is photo-shop, instagram effects, plastic surgery, make-up, pills, gainers, protein-shakes and gym, but there is nothing that could fill the emptiness, or surgically remove the pain i wanted to erase by fucking walk alone, sometimes all you really need is long walk, hand-in-hand with yourself before you hand-out your soul to someone who's acting like searching the words to comfort you, but actually searching the fucks to give. Time flew, just like me and it only passed 5 minutes, i was located at the park, after i closed case of that woman with no name, i was in same place where 5 years ago i was self-destructed version of me located with misery as worst company, beacuse just like then, i am giving myself the same advice ''Don't let your hapiness depend on something you may lose. Trust yourself, you are all you've got.'' I walked by the park, and suddenly felt like male version of Marilyn Monroe, of 21 century, having problem with anxiety and self-esteem that was mistaken for narcissism, so when i look at the mirror, and i stare 30 minutes, i am not full of myself, but opposite-ironicly deathly afriad of not being ''perfect'' by male beauty standards, just like her. While in my parallel universe i was being nominated for Crappy Awards: Shittiest Life Of The Year, which for the record, i deserved it, it's my great honor to take that award home. #HighLights of my non-existing career. Stepping into world of rich and famous. Hey, Kim Kardashian, wass good? Anyway, in order to complete self-therapy and for it to go successfull, first you need to love your-self, you need to have stable relationship with yourself, there is thin line between self-love and self-hate, in fact there is Great Wall of China, so if you hate yourself you first need to break that wall into pieces, and love yourself with every piece, beacuse self-confidence is like a brick, you can build a house, or you can sink a dead body.
When i lost myself in my ambitions, wishes, desires, and hope for better future, that's exactly where i found myself, that was my free self-therapy, it used to cost me everything and i used to pay it daily, how much does your self-therapy costs? How much do you pay your self-therapy, before it turns into self-destruction, in tears, not dollars? I am wintess, judge, and cure to my pain. And i shall not pass the gate if i'm not ready for my daily therapy
